


there is no emotion (there is a parenting lesson)

by virdant



Series: there is no death (there is a wedding) [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Bad Parenting, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, Jango Fett's Bad Parenting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28704360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/virdant/pseuds/virdant
Summary: “Jango,” Obi-Wan said, “We need to talk.”A shiver ran up Jango’s spine. The last time Obi-Wan said they needed to talk, Jango ended up with a million clones of himself signed into his and Obi-Wan’s joint custody. Obi-Wan, for all of his mild demeanor, has a way of convincing Jango.Jango was well and truly fucked, so he might as well—“Right,” Jango attempted, “Bedroom?”--Obi-Wan and Jango have a Discussion about their children.
Relationships: Boba Fett & Jango Fett, Jango Fett & Clone Troopers, Jango Fett/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: there is no death (there is a wedding) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875826
Comments: 52
Kudos: 845





	there is no emotion (there is a parenting lesson)

“Jango,” Obi-Wan said, “We need to talk.”

A shiver ran up Jango’s spine. The last time Obi-Wan said they needed to talk, Jango ended up with a million clones of himself signed into his and Obi-Wan’s joint custody. Obi-Wan, for all of his mild demeanor, has a way of convincing Jango.

Jango was well and truly fucked, so he might as well—

“Right,” Jango attempted, “Bedroom?”

Obi-Wan smiled, turning to where Boba was sitting on the couch very pointedly pretending not to eavesdrop. “Of course,” he said. “We wouldn’t want to bother Boba, would we?”

“I don’t mind,” Boba attempted.

Obi-Wan already had Jango by the elbow and was very effortlessly steering him into their bedroom. “Try to hide your eavesdropping better,” he said, to Boba. “Look at how Anakin is doing it.”

Jango glanced at Anakin, who had actively put down the circuit board he had been tinkering with and was watching them without any guile whatsoever.

Boba glanced at Anakin. He protested, “He isn’t hiding anything.”

“Exactly. Know your audience.”

Jango wasn’t convinced. He recognized the same unconvinced expression on Boba.

“I’d be very disappointed in you if you _didn’t_ try to eavesdrop,” Obi-Wan added, as he nudged Jango into the bedroom with a hip. “But I expect you to feign ignorance convincingly. Why don’t you get some tips from Anakin about it?”

“What?” Anakin asked, blinking bewilderedly.

“Exactly,” Obi-Wan said, and shut the door.

* * *

“So,” Jango began, sitting on the edge of the bed.

He could think of a dozen topics that Obi-Wan could have decided to talk about. They ranged from the dishes being left undone—he hadn’t _expected_ an issue to come up before he had a chance to wash them—to Boba being behind on schoolwork—Obi-Wan had higher curriculum standards than Jango, but really, Boba knew how to budget for a successful bounty hunting mission and how to shoot people who tried to underpay—did he really need to know anything else?

“So,” Obi-Wan said, arms crossed before him, sounding extremely disappointed. After only a few weeks together, Obi-Wan’s disappointment already had a Pavlovian effect on him. Jango was discovering that Jedi did not need mind control powers when they had the power of _Disappointment_ and _I thought you were better than that in their arsenal_. It made him set aside his previous plans and arrange custody and caretaking of over a million clones; it made him cook meals for Count Dooku, of all people. It made him sit up and take notice. 

Jango sat up and took notice.

“We have to talk about your sons,” Obi-Wan said.

So, Jango thought. This was about Boba being behind on homework. “Boba is doing fine,” he said, patting the bed in invitation. “We can’t all be brainiacs like you.”

Obi-Wan blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with being brainy,” Jango said, hastily, because this was very quickly evolving into the not-so-fun type of negotiating in the bedroom, the type where _I thought you were better than that_ wasn’t innuendo. “It’s a good look on you. Very hot.”

“What?”

Jango was not the best at compliments, but he dug deep. “Uh, Talk smart at me like one of those Twi’lek girls?

Obi-Wan’s mouth gaped open, and then it clicked shut. “Jango,” he said, in the same kind tone of voice that he used before settling into a four-hour long Discussion with Count Dooku, “We are not having sex while Boba’s eavesdropping.”

“I didn’t think we were going to—”

“And this brings me to an important point.” He took a deep breath. “We have to talk about your parenting, Jango.”

Jango opened his mouth, and then closed it. This week, Boba had managed to fail the Alderaanian poetry module that Obi-Wan had assigned. He’d beaten Anakin in the blaster range though. And, he was no doubt eavesdropping at the doorway, which meant: “Boba’s doing fine.”

Obi-Wan gave him a very disappointed look. Jango’s spine, which was already ramrod straight, somehow became straighter. “I’m not talking about Boba,” he said. “I’m talking about your other children. The millions of them you brought into this world.”

* * *

Two days ago, Jango had watched Barrister Karfulye leave with Master Plo Koon, Obi-Wan at his side. Obi-Wan had been smiling, mildly, as he waved goodbye.

Jango had been smiling too, the type of pained grimace that came of watching his entire life get derailed and being helpless to stop it.

“You’ll have to introduce me to all of the boys,” Obi-Wan said, as the ship departed. “And I’m sure Master Dooku would love to meet all of the boys as well.”

Master Dooku had not wanted to.

But Jango had introduced Obi-Wan to the clones, who all eyed them with ill-concealed distrust (except for the few that Jango had been thinking of training in subterfuge, who eyed them with slightly-better-concealed distrust). Obi-Wan had gone around and introduced himself to several battalions, and then had sat down and eaten a meal or two with a few other battalions, and then went around learning more about what a few _other_ battalions were up to while Jango had gone back to his rooms to find Boba arguing with Anakin over who was better at firing a blaster (Boba) and better at piloting (Anakin).

He’d thought that had been it.

Jango was wrong.

“Children need healthy relationships with their caretakers,” Obi-Wan lectured, arms crossed before him in their bedroom. “And now that they are no longer under Republic custody, you really must step up and take Responsibility.”

Jango had agreed to removing the clones from Republic custody (because Obi-Wan was very good at Negotiating, both in and out of the bedroom), but he had never agreed to Responsibility. He already had Boba, after all, who was a handful. He opened his mouth and then shut it.

Obi-Wan was smiling, mildly, at him. It was a very nice smile. They were in the bedroom.

“Right,” Jango agreed, because agreeing to whatever Obi-Wan wanted meant less time discussing his clones and more time enjoying a brief moment of privacy in the bedroom. “I agree. Should we tell Boba that he should get back to his homework?”

“No,” Obi-Wan said. “We should brainstorm appropriate bonding activities.”

* * *

Obi-Wan set down a pile of pamphlets. The top one was for a resort in the Mid-Rim, a happy family on a water slide. Jango wasn’t sure if any of the clones knew how to swim. 

He told Obi-Wan as much.

Obi-Wan gave him a disappointed look. “Don’t you manage their curriculum?” he asked.

“I taught them how to fire blasters?”

Obi-Wan sighed. It was a very long sigh. “Jango,” he said. “It’s important that you engage in appropriate shared activities with the boys, to show that you care. What have you been doing, all of these years?”

“I have a job,” Jango tried. “In fact, I still have a job—”

Obi-Wan gave him a look. “You could take some time off.”

“You can’t just take time off of bounty hunting! I have a reputation!”

“You have a family,” Obi-Wan replied. “What did you do with Boba, all of these years?”

This, Jango knew. He’d given Boba the best training possible, so he could be a bounty hunter of not inconsiderable esteem. He said, with no small amount of pride, “I took him on hunts with me. And told him the importance of building his reputation, so he couldn’t just ride on my jetpack exhaust.” This, he was sure, would please Obi-Wan. After all, Obi-Wan had forged his own path, separate from the overwhelming influence of Count Dooku. And the Jedi were all about independence and self-reliance…

Obi-Wan blinked, once. He smiled. It was a very kind smile. Jango had seen Obi-Wan direct it to Count Dooku at least a dozen times in their negotiations. It said, without any words, that Obi-Wan was so disappointed that he had gone beyond _Disappointment_ and _I thought you were better than that_. 

It was a very kind smile. It was a very ominous smile. 

“Jango,” he said, very calmly. “Boba is nine.”

* * *

This was a list of age-appropriate bonding activities:

  * going to a museum
  * visiting the zoo 
  * watching a child-appropriate holofilm
  * attending a child-appropriate concert
  * cooking together
  * engaging in arts and crafts



This was a list of not age-appropriate bonding activities, all of which Jango had already taken Boba on:

  * dogfights in space
  * apprehending violent criminals 
  * engaging in gang wars as a bounty hunter for hire



Obi-Wan smiled, very sweetly, at Jango across the two lists. “Now,” he said, setting the datapad before Jango. “Why don’t you brainstorm a few appropriate activities for your other couple-million sons.”

* * *

Jango Fett was a famed bounty hunter, skilled in battle, with a mind for strategy and planning that helped me apprehend the worst of the worst and haul them in—usually not to government authorities—in exchange for money. He was very good at what he did, and his skill paid off in the form of credits. Lots and lots of credits. 

Obi-Wan was not swayed by credits.

Jango cleared his throat and handed Obi-Wan the datapad. He’d very helpfully listed activities by battalion, having made the very wise decision of not engaging with all of the clones at once. This was, of course, a master bounty hunter at work.

Obi-Wan smiled back at him. He said, “Oh,” in the type of quietly pleased voice that Jango was used to hearing in bedroom, and usually meant a satisfactory finish to their Negotiations. He turned to the datapad, pleased.

Jango settled back on the edge of the bed, waiting. He was pretty sure that in the long silence that had settled as Jango had churned over appropriate bonding activities, Boba and Anakin would have given up on eavesdropping, which meant that really, there was nothing stopping him and Obi-Wan from really consummating this agreement. 

He’d put together a good list of activities: from survival training (he called it backpacking) to watching training videos (he called them educational holofilms and documentaries). It was pretty hard to come up with activities that could accommodate a full battalion at a time, after all. Some of Obi-Wan’s suggestions, like a movie, would be exorbitant to take one battalion to, let alone all of the clones. But Jango had a sabaac up his gauntlet. After all, he _was_ a famed bounty hunter, and that meant that he had plenty of connections to leverage, including— 

“Jango Fett! It doesn’t matter if my grandmaster gave you box seats, an execution is not an appropriate outing for our children!”

**Author's Note:**

> can u believe that jango fett thought a public execution was an appropriate outing for his 9 year old bab? this man. THIS MAN.
> 
> \--
> 
> here's how you can find me.
> 
>   * asian jedi agenda (dm me on twitter for link)
>   * Follow me on twitter [@virdant](http://www.twitter.com/virdant/)
>   * Comment and kudo below
> 



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